By Brian Alexander

 
msnbc.com contributor

updated 10/22/2010 8:04:32 AM ET

 
A little Barry White. A candlelight dinner. An
amorous encounter — and fireworks as the
angels sing. At least, that's what he thinks
happened.

Men and women often walk out of the
bedroom with completely different ideas about
what just occurred, recent research showed.
The recently released National Survey of
Sexual Health and Behavior found that men
overestimate whether their partner has had an
orgasm and underestimate their pain.

In the survey, 64 percent of women reported
having an orgasm last time at bat, but 85
percent of men said their female partners had
one. Also, about 30 percent of women
reported that sex was painful and,
presumably, men are unaware of that too, or
else, being the gallant gentlemen we are, we’d
stop and snuggle. (Hey, it could happen.)

Granted, this stuff can be funny — as dozens
of sitcoms testify. But the findings from the
survey, culled from 5,865 people ranging in
age from 14 to 94, underscores the troubling f
 
act that men and women, young and old —
even couples who've been together for many
years, don't talk about sex. And because we
are not, we are missing out.

“Sex is hard to talk about even when things are
going well. We approach our sexual limitations
with fear,” said Debby Herbenick, one of the
survey’s authors and the associate director of
the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at
Indiana University in Bloomington. And when
things aren’t going well, communication is
even worse.

Even cancer patients who are used to
discussing everything from nausea and bowel
movements to hair loss and blood counts with
their partner won’t talk about sex, numerous
studies show.


Did she or didn't she? Guys often don't know what really happened in bed
Men think their female partners have far more orgasms than they do, research shows
 
“When patients had poor erectile function,
their partners were more likely to report that t
he couple avoided open spousal discussions;
this in turn was associated with partners'
marital distress,” a team from the M.D. Anders-
on Cancer Center reported in the journal
Psycho-Oncology last year.

Taboo conversation
If all this seems odd for a 21st century sex-
saturated country like ours, June Reinisch isn’
t surprised at all. She’s been studying
sexuality, and counseling couples, for 41
years, 11 of those as director of the Kinsey I
nstitute for Research in Sex, Gender and
Reproduction, and all that experience has
taught her that couples young and old “are not
comfortable, and they don’t get comfortable”
exchanging information about their sexual
needs and desires.

Why? Because, Reinisch argued, from the time
boys and girls are about 5 years old, they
segregate into same-gender groups. Boys play
with boys, girls with girls, and then society
enforces that natural segregation when it
comes time to talk about our bodies.

“We do nothing to enhance communication
between males and females,” she said. Even
today, sex education often happens in same
gender classes. The message sent, Reinisch
argued, “is that it’s taboo or undercover, that
you do not talk about male things with females
and vice-versa.”

What we ought to be doing, she said, is, from
young ages, teaching boys and girls what it
 
means to be a good friend, how a loving family
operates, and later, not just how each gender’
s body works, but what love is, how to be a
good boyfriend, a good girlfriend. Talks about
sex shouldn’t just be between father and son, 
mother and daughter.

Once we are adults, we need to think beyond
the obvious about what’s behind our
reluctance to talk. “There is research in
women with vulvodynia” — a condition that
results in pain when the female vulva is
touched or stimulated — “that they feel they
are not being a good wife,” said Herbenick told
me. So it’s not about the pain itself, it’s the fear
of one’s own self-perception.

Story: New sex survey reveals our steamy
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combination

For example, Reinisch explained, the reasons

men might ask for oral sex aren’t just about
the physical feeling.

“The penis has incredible meaning, way
beyond that it feels good, in terms of the sense
of self, goodness, lovability and being loved,”
she said. But women can’t be blamed for not
fully appreciating this. “If you talk to men as I
have in my career, they don’t think about how
much it means, they just know they like it a lot
and protect it with their lives. But when it is
honored by their partner it makes them feel
better about their whole selves…It’s quite
amazing. I don’t think women understand the
power of honoring that little part.”

(Note to women: calling it “little” probably isn’t
a good way to honor it.)

Likewise, she said, men need to better
understand the bigger meaning of women’s
sexuality. A woman might not want to say sex
hurts because maybe she’s growing a little
older “and in this culture, God forbid you get
old. So maybe she feels it’s a sign she’s not
sexy, she is not lubricating, or she is not being
aroused.”

Let's talk about sex
The obvious way out, of course, is to talk —
really talk, openly and frankly. That works
best if couples are used to experimenting and
Reinisch doesn’t just mean the ropes and latex
variety, she means collaborating on new
positions, new products – some women are
even reluctant to use vaginal lube for fear it
signals waning youthfulness and sexual allure–
or new methods of seduction.
 
Couples also have to be accepting when a
lover makes a suggestion, she says. Saying
“How did you come up with that? Did you try it
with somebody else?” is a bad idea. When a
partner who has been reluctant to share does
so, he or she should be rewarded.

For those whom talking is simply too uncomfo-
rtable, Reinisch stresses “baby steps,” even
non-verbal communication if necessary. Some
couples have been so closed off that she has
counseled them to use two small porcelain
dolls on a mantle; a doll facing out can mean
“I’m in the mood,” one with its back turned
can mean “not tonight.”

Whatever strategy couples use, there is a
reward for communicating. Women can stop
feeling pain, men can stop guessing about
orgasms, and both partners can get the kind
of sexual experiences they want. That’s why,
Reinisch insisted, says “communication is the
best lubrication.”
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Brian Alexander is the author of the book “Am-
erica Unzipped: In Search of Sex and
Satisfaction," now in paperback.

 
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