Most elderly women today never worked outside the home, while most of their daughters did or still do. Members of these two generations approach the question of how to spend their days with very different skill sets.
Robert Golden/Getty ImagesAn elderly woman may have successfully navigated life as a mother, wife and guardian of home and hearth. But liberation from those daily responsibilities later in life can be disorienting, said Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University.
To many women who have lived what she calls “a circumscribed life,” newness doesn’t always appeal, not after decades of a familiar and satisfying routine. Men who spent their lives in the workplace are familiar with new social situations and are less likely to feel unease, she said. A woman whose life has had a narrow, if intense, focus is likely to have more trouble branching out.
“It gets harder to make friends — most people find it harder when they’re older,” said Dr. Tannen. Many older women, she suggests, are simply more comfortable in a world they can control.
But the smaller a person’s world, the greater the danger.
“Individuals who live in isolation are more likely to be depressed, may be more likely to suffer from malnutrition and are separated from opportunities for socialization — cognitively stimulating activities and physical activities that are the hallmarks of healthy aging,” said Dr. Ronan Factora, a geriatrics specialist at the Center for Geriatric Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. “Having and maintaining a robust social network as you age is one key feature of aging well.”
The adult children of these women face a challenge of their own: encouraging and supporting social activity for their perhaps reluctant parents without stepping over the line and trying to run the show. “The most benign way of approaching this issue is to express your concern about the individual spending so much time alone,” said Dr. Factora. “It is good to emphasize that they do not have to engage in activities every day, and that alone time and quiet time is fine.”
Where to begin? Blend the familiar and the new.
A child concerned about a mother’s isolation can start to help by recalling “hobbies or interests that they may have participated in prior to dedicating their lives to their families,” said Dr. Factora. “Trying to bring those interests back may be easier than trying something completely new.”
The mother who was a devoted bedtime reader, for example, might reconnect with her passion as a reading volunteer at a church, hospital or library, said Dr. Barbara Messinger-Rapport, director of the Cleveland Clinic geriatric center.
But at their core, suggestions about what to do next must respect a parent’s comfort level, even if that requires an adult child to adjust his or her expectations. Ms. Factora admonishes take-charge adult children to recall our own childhoods, when our parents sometimes threw us into lessons we loved — piano, for example — but sometimes signed us up for classes that were not at all what we wanted. A good idea requires a good fit.
Not every older woman is going to want to fill her waking moments with activity. “Those people who are very social may benefit from moving into a senior community appropriate for their age, interests, religion,” said Dr. Factora. “Those who are on the other end of the spectrum — perhaps ‘loners’ — still benefit from socialization but may prefer having some services brought to them.” Having people over for a visit — my grandmother was an expert at the coffee-and-cake afternoon in her apartment — may seem like plenty of fun to some women, who might be overwhelmed by more aggressive socializing.
A familiar face — an adult child’s, in all likelihood — can help an older woman make the transition to a new kind of social life. But it helps to start sooner than you might think is necessary. Dr. Messinger-Rapport recommends “The 40-70 Rule,” a booklet from Home Instead, the home care service, that provides general advice on how to discuss the future before it arrives.
Be prepared to have your ideas rejected. Today’s multitasking adult daughter has to be careful not to take her mother’s calendar as yet another get-it-done project. Isolation may be bad, but so is being bossy.
“Sometimes all you can do is offer opportunities,” said Dr. Factora. “The more opportunities someone has to try something new, the more likely they are to engage. Take advantage of any glimmer of interest.”
